I Got Blasted in the Face, Now What.....

Back again....Time for a self check. I got some very disappointing news today. Beyond getting into the gory details of the news, I would simply say that 5 years of work may have been all for nothing. The initial mission that brought me to Dallas, the mission that I was 3 months short of fully completing may never be completed. Great.

When I got this news today, I will admit that I caught feelings. I admit, there is bitterness there. I admit, I really am not feeling any encouragement right now. What I am feeling is a big sense of failure. A big sense of being pissed off. A big sense of loneliness and a big sense of being abandoned. Why loneliness and abandonment? My goals, my dreams and my achievements didn't seem to matter too much to those around me at the time. I gave my everything to everyone thinking that the same effort would be returned. Nope. Cool.

Enough of that belly-aching so what now? I took a huge shot to the face and a follow up to the dome and I am down. Now what....The only option is to get up. That is a no brainer. But as a 45 year old man, this comeback is going to be really different. 1) My physical rebuild is not the only part of me that needs work. My mental, spiritual and emotional areas need a restoration too. I have given too much of me too freely. That has to stop. Loving and caring for everyone to my harm has to stop. There will be balance. There has to be.... 2) I have a purpose in this life. I have a mission in this life and it is way time for me to be about that. No more detours. Unless God directs the detour, it aint happening. 3) Dead weight people gotta go. If you are negative, always wanting something, constantly complaining, etc. You gotta go....4) Continue to learn and stimulate my mind. 5) Get and earn my respect. 6) Stop being overlooked, ignored and regulated to the side. I am more that just the "Break Glass When Needed" guy. 7) Relearn and relove me. Goes without saying. 8) Relearn and relove the Lord. I miss His presence. Refer to point 1. 9) FIGHT! Never stop until the mission is completed. 10) Have fun.

I have come to realize that I am really different and that even though there are people around me, a lot of my journey is alone. I have come to the conclusion that this is ok. Probably for the best. Talking does no good, I just have to be about it, show and prove. Let my life bare fruit. Let my walk yield results. Just my .02 cents....

I Needed To Come Back Here for This

It has been since 24 May 2012 since I have written here. 6 years...A lot of things have changed in 6 years. I'm a grandpa, kids married, my childhood home was destroyed and my parent have moved into a brand new home (in a great neighborhood) and I am over 200 pounds lighter. God is still good. I felt that coming back here was the appropriate place to share. So I am back, putting on this pair of shoes that are in the back of the closet, remembering why I kept this "pair". It is comfortable.

Someone close to me asked me to read something. She asked me not to comment or tell her when I read it. I won't go into any detail about what she wrote but she expressed, in her beautifully powerful, literary way, the pain and anguish that she has been going through for many years. As I read her testimony on her battles, not only did I wept, but my soul did too. I became angry at the the people who hurt her, I became even more angry by the people who so called tried to help and instead, inflamed the pain. Yet, this is what happened.

The normal, weak platitudes don't and can't apply here. No, I don't understand where she is coming from, no I have no frame of reference, no my story can't compare. All I know is that many whom I have encountered have similar stories. Even though the tactics and strategy for each person's battle are different, the battle is always the same. That battle is trying to be whole again. It is like a restore point in Windows where when a bad update or piece of software gets in, you can take your computer back to a point in time when things last worked. Our lives don't run that way because time marches on and each minute is new and past almost instantaneously.

Is regaining wholeness achievable? I believe it is but that is determined on what being whole to you is...What is your definition of wholeness? Yes we are molded by our experiences, but are we truly defined by them? Lifelong philosophical questions that we answer individually. There is no simple path from recovery of all this, you already know this. You live it daily. I trust in the hope that because you keep pressing on, as my Paw-Paw used to say, "Keep Tramping!" you know that giving up is not an option. I trust that through your battle, you can be a light for someone else going through.

I am not sure how you see yourself but I know what I see. A beautiful person with a beautiful mind, heart and soul. You are a blessing...God always does the best work when we think all is lost....Like the barren battlefield, yet there is one wildflower sprouting from the wages of war. There is hope, there is love, there is the next moment. Just my .02 cents...

A Pre-Memorial Day Episode of "All I Can Do is Shake My Head"

Once again, please go over to my daughter's blog at  http://sbmaige.blogspot.com/. Take a read and comment on what she is talking about. She loves the feedback and the debate. I love you Shuggy. Now on with the show...

After a very dramatic day yesterday, I had decided that I would take a break from Facebook for awhile. I wanted to step back a bit and get my head and spirit recharged and back aligned. For the first time in 3 months, I went back in the lab and spun out a stress relief mix, after which I prayed and read. In my reading I did log back onto Facebook to observe the chatter. I see that once again, my home state is making national news. 1) The pastor at the Providence Rd Baptist Church in Maiden, NC (my home is between Newton and Maiden. We claim Newton of course.) speaking from the pulpit some really hateful rhetoric about gays and lesbians. Catch the synopsis here (http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2012/05/24/ac-intv-tuchman-lesbian-church-member-pastor-worley.cnn?iref=allsearch)Then to top the sundae off, 2) The Stateville, NC paper (http://www2.statesville.com/) the Statesville Record and Landmark, reported that the Klan is going to rally in Harmony, NC upon this weekend. Yup, that is right that Klan, the Ku Klux Klan. Nice. Lets deal with this in reverse order.

The Klan rally. For readers who aren't from my neck of the woods, I bet you are stunned at this development. I can say in my younger years living in Newton, NC, the Klan has marched downtown on several occasions. Am I surprised, no I am not. But in my eyes, the Klan is not, let me stress NOT a group that can be discounted. This is not fear speaking but as of knowing history and truth. Some have compared the Klan to other groups that have or is currently promoting some type of "supremacy" in regards to an ethnic setting. On its face, this can be argued, but take the time to dig deeper. I would argue that the Klan is the American Terrorist Group. All of the black men who were lynched. All of the families that were terrorized. All of the churches that were burned. All of the kids that we killed in the cross fire. All of the kids that subjected to the culture of hate. The Klan has a trail of blood attached to it that can only be matched by groups like the Taliban. This is why the Klan stirs up emotion in African-Americans. To hear anyone discount that is truly insulting. I understand the kumbayah stance put please people, brush up on your American history. (Billie Holiday's song "Strange Fruit" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4ZyuULy9zs puts the lynching aspect in perspective. This song was originally recorded in 1939.)

Yet, under the great laws of our land, and strangely enough, the Citizens United ruling, the Klan has voice and a right to speak like everyone else. Hell they have been exercising that right for well over 100 years strong. Now with the Citizens Untied ruling, that gives them a bigger foot hold in the political process. I would argue that the foothold has been strong for well over 100 years too. Folks are expressing anger at the Record and Landmark put they were reporting it as news. Taking it out on the paper is easy. Having the stones to stand up in one voice against hate is something completely different. That stand requires us to become even more engaged with the political and social aspects of our communities. Change has to occur within to exert change. Meaning, you gotta change on the inside to see change on the outside. More on this if needed...

Now to Pastor Worley down in Maiden, NC. The home of the largest Apple Data Center in the world. NICE Pastor. I would love to ask him simply this, from clergy to clergy. "How in God's name do you think what you said benefits the Kingdom of God?" How can anyone get Jesus' love, grace and mercy out of what he said? He doesn't have to agree with the gay and lesbian lifestyle and the idea of same sex marriage. Got that and doctrinal terms, he can't agree with it. But the hate and the language that he put out there is grounds for getting his tail canned. That is spiritual malpractice. I never knew that Jesus was down with the hate? I guess Jesus is out of the saving business. How can you bring anyone to Christ like this? Bottom line, bringing souls to Christ at this moment is not important to him. He got what he wanted, his time in the sun. This is why many people have lost trust in the church and in the faith. It is truly time for clergy to be true to the calling instead of political puppets. Just my .02 cents worth. Back to being quiet.

A Continuation from My Last Episode of "All I Can Do is Shake My Head"

Once again, please go over to my daughter's blog at  http://sbmaige.blogspot.com/. Take a read and comment on what she is talking about. She loves the feedback and the debate. I love you Shuggy. Now on to this hot, fresh, Krispy Kreme doughnut off the line fresh blog. Can Krispy Kreme make a sugar free edition of the famous glazed doughnut for a brother??? Sorry, I digress...

I just watched the first segment of the Ed Show on MSNBC. Dr. Michael Eric Dyson is guest hosting tonight and he posed a dilemma that I will admit that I did not fully catch initially in the gay marriage rights debate. I have also read many of my friends responses to the Amendment One vote both for and against. I am not trying to stir more of the pot up but right now, the Black Church has a dilemma. Dr. Dyson eloquently put this out in the public forum. I will try to simplify the dilemma down to this...Our history of the Black church, where our foreparents worshipped the Lord from the bushes of the brush arbor at night, to free slaves building many of the churches that we attend today, through Jim Crow, Separate but Equal, the Civil Right Movement, our churches historically have been the first and many times LAST line of defense on the subject of justice. The Civil Rights Movement was incubated in the womb of the Black church. The church was the only place for us to safely talk about the topics of the day. That tradition is still in place because when politicians need to make the round to gin up votes from Black folk, they hit the Black church. 

Being in the clergy, I guess my opinions should be a bit softer, more seminary sounding, I guess more pastoral. But I will call this how I see it....So here goes...How can we in the Black church truly front on ANYONE in the margins when we have battled (and still battling) so long from the margins ourselves? We have gone from glorified farm equipment and property, to 3/5's of a citizen, to not eligible to vote, to not being worthy of using the same bathrooms as everyone else and on and on. Who are we to look upon gay and lesbian people with scorn and fold them up with the Bible as Massa did hundreds of years ago? So now when a new set of people are on the margins, we just turn our backs right?

I guess I can be accused of talking out of both sides of my mouth but this dilemma hits me too. Could I marry a gay couple? No I could not. Would I ever get there, not sure. But I don't want my people to get on the Super Righteous soapbox quite yet. So it is time to really do some soul searching. Before you put King James on your sleeve, what do you do with the many choir directors and choir members who are gay and lesbian that we pat and sway to on Sunday morning? What do you do with the many Pastors that are in the closet? What do you do with the many gay and lesbian Gospel singers that are out? What do you do with supporting actors who like to dress in drag? Do we sit all of these people down? Stop supporting them??? Do we shut the doors to the church to them? Do we quarantine them like they have the plague? Or do we give the weak answer and say, "Aww, we will just pray for them?" I guess loving one another as Christ loved the Church is a bit much. How do we reconcile our struggle and the place of the Black Church in that struggle with newer members of the marginalized? Just my .02 cent worth....

Another Episode of "All I Can Do is Shake My Head"

Before I get started here, I encourage everyone to check out my daughter's blog "Made Anew In God's Eyes" at http://sbmaige.blogspot.com/. It is great reading from a young sista, trying to do her thing. Give her a read and be encouraged. Now onto the rest of this program.

Tonight, not to my surprise, the state that I was born and raised, the state that educated me, the state that I still love, even though I am in Texas now, decided that Amendment One was a good idea. I stress that I am not surprised that it passed. I see that a lot of my friends on Facebook are disappointed at the outcome. I also see that a lot of my clergy collegues are disappointed as well. Truthfully, I am very disappointed too. Let me state my stance on it....

Personally and Biblically, I do not approve of gay marriage. Would I marry a gay couple, my answer to that is no. So why would I have voted against Amendment One? Here is my list...1) NORTH CAROLINA ALREADY BANS GAY MARRIAGE! Why in God's name am I voting for something that is already on the books? With all of the people out of work, with the NC public school system struggling, the state is running low on money, roads suck and the Bobcats play in Charlotte, you would think that there are other issues to address than Gay Marriage. 2) The wording of this amendment will bite many in the ass. Just wait until the new flood of domestic an child abuse cases go through the NC courts and smart defensive attorneys uses the loophole provided to get some sleazebag boyfriend off on a technicality. What family has to take the expense to go to the Supreme Court to get this silly provision changed? What family has to go through the pain of having a "Janice and Jeanne Carroll" Law developed to counteract the foolishness that Amendment One has opened? (Jeanne Carroll, my wife's best friend and work mentor here in Texas and her daughter Janice were killed several years ago by Janice's estranged husband.) Domestic violence laws already suck as is....It could be argued that a battered spouse's only chance is being the one to pull the trigger. 3) There is something inherently wrong with denying someone rights. 4) Once again, my state was played by sleaze ball politicians that have accomplished nothing for my state. 5) What happened to all of the "We want smaller government?" folks? If you can govern what goes on in the bedroom, if you can govern what goes on in the church sanctuary, then your precious guns, your precious food, your precious booze and OH yeah, lets not forget, the lottery are all in play now. (I am a gun advocate myself.) This amendment should have failed upon principal alone but....

I am sorry but to my people of NC, you got snowed and played like suckas. You didn't make a stand on anything really. Oh let me get this right, you did take a stand. You took a stand for wasting time, money and denying rights. You took a stand of not solving any problems. You took a stand of accepting and condoning being made a fool. Please tell me, what was accomplished for passing Amendment One??? Just my .02 cents...

Thank you Trayvon

The Trayvon Martin case has really shaken the country to its core. Everyone is speaking out one way or another, many are showing support to Trayvon's family by breaking out their hoodies. President Obama chimed in on the case today by stating the fact that if he had a son, he would look like Trayvon. That is a point blank fact on many levels. I read an article on Politico that Newt Gingrinch called the President's comments disgraceful. My rant here is not about want Newt said, he is a set of clown shoes that I will not waste blogging space on. But my rant here is about the, how can I say this, blind comments by most of the readers there. One comment got to me and it was the first one that I read. A lady came out and said that the country is more divided since Obama has been President. Here is where I want to concentrate. (The article by the way is at http://www.politico.com/blogs/burns-haberman/2012/03/newt-calls-obamas-trayvon-martin-comments-disgraceful-118518.html)

There are many who disagree with the President's stances on policy and philosophy. But there is many who can not fathom that a man of color is the leader of the free world. The latter crew of people are being drawn out of the darkness. (Basically they are becoming more and more vocal.) For a lot of people, this would make it seem that the country is more divided. No, it is just that the infected wound of years of institutionalized hate has been re-exposed to the light. Many people in different forums and discussions are quick to use the terms like "playing the race card" and "why are we trying to live in the past"? This is a weak, cowardly and unintelligent stance for a modern society. The United States is supposed to be the standard bearer of freedom, the example of a modern civilized society, the world leader. And we can't get human respect right. We as a country can't muster the testicular fortitude to come together as the Union and truly deal with the mess of racial equality that we have been so scared to deal with. As great is our country is, we are still nothing more than mere cowards when it comes to dealing with ourselves. Who are we to be an example?

This brings me to Trayvon. This young brother was killed by an Hispanic man because he thought and assumed that Trayvon didn't belong there. This young brother supposedly had no right to be in this neighborhood, with his hoodie up walking down the street. Trayvon was killed because he seemingly didn't belong in this particular environment. He didn't look the part. I would encourage anyone who doesn't understand this to ask any African-American or Hispanic man about this. I bet 8 of of 10 can tell you of a time where they were stopped just because of how they look. I can bring up 4 times since I have been to Dallas alone and several times at home in NC. I was Trayvon at 17...I am Trayvon now...Trayvon's death needs to be the last straw, needs to be the breaking point where people, community by community, come together to work through and learn each other differences so that we have a better situation for our kids. Trayvon did not die in vain. God will make sure that justice is served, but God is sending a message for His people. Matthew 25:31-46 reads:

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. All the nations before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. "Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, take your inheritance, the Kingdom prepared for you since the creations of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink" When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?" "The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.' "Then he will say to those on his left, "Dpeart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you didn't clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you didn't look after me." "They will also answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' "He will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.' "Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

At 17, I was Trayvon. At 39, I am still Trayvon. Just my .02 cents worth....

   

The Latest Installment of All I Can Do is Shake My Head

Good evening everyone and welcome to another installment of "All I Can Do is Shake My Head." By the way, please take a read of my daughter's blog over at http://sbmaige.blogspot.com/ It is good, inspiring reading. I love you Shuggy!!!! Now on with the rant.

This blog goes out to my sisters. Ladies, lets be for real here. Why in God's name do many of you have to have some sort of fake hair on your head? At lunch today with my wife and daughter, two sisters came into the restaurant with enough weave on their head to tie up and rustle cattle with. I thought that the weave phase would die out. (I thought that about sagging pants too. I have a episode lined up about that.) I have a few questions for the ladies. 1) Is your self esteem so bad that you have to resort to looking like the shaggy dog that  won the Westminster Dog Show? 2) Why would you blow good hard earned cash on this stuff? 3) What is the purpose of it?

I think I can speak for a lot of guys. Ladies, God blesses you with a natural beauty. That beauty is not only in your outer appearance but with in your spirit, your mind and your heart. There is nothing sexier than an intelligent woman, in her natural look. Be proud and love yourself ladies. Get rid of that weave, tap into your inner beauty, put on something comfortable, love God and love you. That is true beauty and a better look. Leave the fake stuff for Halloween. Just my .02 cents....