I Got Blasted in the Face, Now What.....

Back again....Time for a self check. I got some very disappointing news today. Beyond getting into the gory details of the news, I would simply say that 5 years of work may have been all for nothing. The initial mission that brought me to Dallas, the mission that I was 3 months short of fully completing may never be completed. Great.

When I got this news today, I will admit that I caught feelings. I admit, there is bitterness there. I admit, I really am not feeling any encouragement right now. What I am feeling is a big sense of failure. A big sense of being pissed off. A big sense of loneliness and a big sense of being abandoned. Why loneliness and abandonment? My goals, my dreams and my achievements didn't seem to matter too much to those around me at the time. I gave my everything to everyone thinking that the same effort would be returned. Nope. Cool.

Enough of that belly-aching so what now? I took a huge shot to the face and a follow up to the dome and I am down. Now what....The only option is to get up. That is a no brainer. But as a 45 year old man, this comeback is going to be really different. 1) My physical rebuild is not the only part of me that needs work. My mental, spiritual and emotional areas need a restoration too. I have given too much of me too freely. That has to stop. Loving and caring for everyone to my harm has to stop. There will be balance. There has to be.... 2) I have a purpose in this life. I have a mission in this life and it is way time for me to be about that. No more detours. Unless God directs the detour, it aint happening. 3) Dead weight people gotta go. If you are negative, always wanting something, constantly complaining, etc. You gotta go....4) Continue to learn and stimulate my mind. 5) Get and earn my respect. 6) Stop being overlooked, ignored and regulated to the side. I am more that just the "Break Glass When Needed" guy. 7) Relearn and relove me. Goes without saying. 8) Relearn and relove the Lord. I miss His presence. Refer to point 1. 9) FIGHT! Never stop until the mission is completed. 10) Have fun.

I have come to realize that I am really different and that even though there are people around me, a lot of my journey is alone. I have come to the conclusion that this is ok. Probably for the best. Talking does no good, I just have to be about it, show and prove. Let my life bare fruit. Let my walk yield results. Just my .02 cents....

I Needed To Come Back Here for This

It has been since 24 May 2012 since I have written here. 6 years...A lot of things have changed in 6 years. I'm a grandpa, kids married, my childhood home was destroyed and my parent have moved into a brand new home (in a great neighborhood) and I am over 200 pounds lighter. God is still good. I felt that coming back here was the appropriate place to share. So I am back, putting on this pair of shoes that are in the back of the closet, remembering why I kept this "pair". It is comfortable.

Someone close to me asked me to read something. She asked me not to comment or tell her when I read it. I won't go into any detail about what she wrote but she expressed, in her beautifully powerful, literary way, the pain and anguish that she has been going through for many years. As I read her testimony on her battles, not only did I wept, but my soul did too. I became angry at the the people who hurt her, I became even more angry by the people who so called tried to help and instead, inflamed the pain. Yet, this is what happened.

The normal, weak platitudes don't and can't apply here. No, I don't understand where she is coming from, no I have no frame of reference, no my story can't compare. All I know is that many whom I have encountered have similar stories. Even though the tactics and strategy for each person's battle are different, the battle is always the same. That battle is trying to be whole again. It is like a restore point in Windows where when a bad update or piece of software gets in, you can take your computer back to a point in time when things last worked. Our lives don't run that way because time marches on and each minute is new and past almost instantaneously.

Is regaining wholeness achievable? I believe it is but that is determined on what being whole to you is...What is your definition of wholeness? Yes we are molded by our experiences, but are we truly defined by them? Lifelong philosophical questions that we answer individually. There is no simple path from recovery of all this, you already know this. You live it daily. I trust in the hope that because you keep pressing on, as my Paw-Paw used to say, "Keep Tramping!" you know that giving up is not an option. I trust that through your battle, you can be a light for someone else going through.

I am not sure how you see yourself but I know what I see. A beautiful person with a beautiful mind, heart and soul. You are a blessing...God always does the best work when we think all is lost....Like the barren battlefield, yet there is one wildflower sprouting from the wages of war. There is hope, there is love, there is the next moment. Just my .02 cents...

A Pre-Memorial Day Episode of "All I Can Do is Shake My Head"

Once again, please go over to my daughter's blog at  http://sbmaige.blogspot.com/. Take a read and comment on what she is talking about. She loves the feedback and the debate. I love you Shuggy. Now on with the show...

After a very dramatic day yesterday, I had decided that I would take a break from Facebook for awhile. I wanted to step back a bit and get my head and spirit recharged and back aligned. For the first time in 3 months, I went back in the lab and spun out a stress relief mix, after which I prayed and read. In my reading I did log back onto Facebook to observe the chatter. I see that once again, my home state is making national news. 1) The pastor at the Providence Rd Baptist Church in Maiden, NC (my home is between Newton and Maiden. We claim Newton of course.) speaking from the pulpit some really hateful rhetoric about gays and lesbians. Catch the synopsis here (http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2012/05/24/ac-intv-tuchman-lesbian-church-member-pastor-worley.cnn?iref=allsearch)Then to top the sundae off, 2) The Stateville, NC paper (http://www2.statesville.com/) the Statesville Record and Landmark, reported that the Klan is going to rally in Harmony, NC upon this weekend. Yup, that is right that Klan, the Ku Klux Klan. Nice. Lets deal with this in reverse order.

The Klan rally. For readers who aren't from my neck of the woods, I bet you are stunned at this development. I can say in my younger years living in Newton, NC, the Klan has marched downtown on several occasions. Am I surprised, no I am not. But in my eyes, the Klan is not, let me stress NOT a group that can be discounted. This is not fear speaking but as of knowing history and truth. Some have compared the Klan to other groups that have or is currently promoting some type of "supremacy" in regards to an ethnic setting. On its face, this can be argued, but take the time to dig deeper. I would argue that the Klan is the American Terrorist Group. All of the black men who were lynched. All of the families that were terrorized. All of the churches that were burned. All of the kids that we killed in the cross fire. All of the kids that subjected to the culture of hate. The Klan has a trail of blood attached to it that can only be matched by groups like the Taliban. This is why the Klan stirs up emotion in African-Americans. To hear anyone discount that is truly insulting. I understand the kumbayah stance put please people, brush up on your American history. (Billie Holiday's song "Strange Fruit" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4ZyuULy9zs puts the lynching aspect in perspective. This song was originally recorded in 1939.)

Yet, under the great laws of our land, and strangely enough, the Citizens United ruling, the Klan has voice and a right to speak like everyone else. Hell they have been exercising that right for well over 100 years strong. Now with the Citizens Untied ruling, that gives them a bigger foot hold in the political process. I would argue that the foothold has been strong for well over 100 years too. Folks are expressing anger at the Record and Landmark put they were reporting it as news. Taking it out on the paper is easy. Having the stones to stand up in one voice against hate is something completely different. That stand requires us to become even more engaged with the political and social aspects of our communities. Change has to occur within to exert change. Meaning, you gotta change on the inside to see change on the outside. More on this if needed...

Now to Pastor Worley down in Maiden, NC. The home of the largest Apple Data Center in the world. NICE Pastor. I would love to ask him simply this, from clergy to clergy. "How in God's name do you think what you said benefits the Kingdom of God?" How can anyone get Jesus' love, grace and mercy out of what he said? He doesn't have to agree with the gay and lesbian lifestyle and the idea of same sex marriage. Got that and doctrinal terms, he can't agree with it. But the hate and the language that he put out there is grounds for getting his tail canned. That is spiritual malpractice. I never knew that Jesus was down with the hate? I guess Jesus is out of the saving business. How can you bring anyone to Christ like this? Bottom line, bringing souls to Christ at this moment is not important to him. He got what he wanted, his time in the sun. This is why many people have lost trust in the church and in the faith. It is truly time for clergy to be true to the calling instead of political puppets. Just my .02 cents worth. Back to being quiet.

A Continuation from My Last Episode of "All I Can Do is Shake My Head"

Once again, please go over to my daughter's blog at  http://sbmaige.blogspot.com/. Take a read and comment on what she is talking about. She loves the feedback and the debate. I love you Shuggy. Now on to this hot, fresh, Krispy Kreme doughnut off the line fresh blog. Can Krispy Kreme make a sugar free edition of the famous glazed doughnut for a brother??? Sorry, I digress...

I just watched the first segment of the Ed Show on MSNBC. Dr. Michael Eric Dyson is guest hosting tonight and he posed a dilemma that I will admit that I did not fully catch initially in the gay marriage rights debate. I have also read many of my friends responses to the Amendment One vote both for and against. I am not trying to stir more of the pot up but right now, the Black Church has a dilemma. Dr. Dyson eloquently put this out in the public forum. I will try to simplify the dilemma down to this...Our history of the Black church, where our foreparents worshipped the Lord from the bushes of the brush arbor at night, to free slaves building many of the churches that we attend today, through Jim Crow, Separate but Equal, the Civil Right Movement, our churches historically have been the first and many times LAST line of defense on the subject of justice. The Civil Rights Movement was incubated in the womb of the Black church. The church was the only place for us to safely talk about the topics of the day. That tradition is still in place because when politicians need to make the round to gin up votes from Black folk, they hit the Black church. 

Being in the clergy, I guess my opinions should be a bit softer, more seminary sounding, I guess more pastoral. But I will call this how I see it....So here goes...How can we in the Black church truly front on ANYONE in the margins when we have battled (and still battling) so long from the margins ourselves? We have gone from glorified farm equipment and property, to 3/5's of a citizen, to not eligible to vote, to not being worthy of using the same bathrooms as everyone else and on and on. Who are we to look upon gay and lesbian people with scorn and fold them up with the Bible as Massa did hundreds of years ago? So now when a new set of people are on the margins, we just turn our backs right?

I guess I can be accused of talking out of both sides of my mouth but this dilemma hits me too. Could I marry a gay couple? No I could not. Would I ever get there, not sure. But I don't want my people to get on the Super Righteous soapbox quite yet. So it is time to really do some soul searching. Before you put King James on your sleeve, what do you do with the many choir directors and choir members who are gay and lesbian that we pat and sway to on Sunday morning? What do you do with the many Pastors that are in the closet? What do you do with the many gay and lesbian Gospel singers that are out? What do you do with supporting actors who like to dress in drag? Do we sit all of these people down? Stop supporting them??? Do we shut the doors to the church to them? Do we quarantine them like they have the plague? Or do we give the weak answer and say, "Aww, we will just pray for them?" I guess loving one another as Christ loved the Church is a bit much. How do we reconcile our struggle and the place of the Black Church in that struggle with newer members of the marginalized? Just my .02 cent worth....

Another Episode of "All I Can Do is Shake My Head"

Before I get started here, I encourage everyone to check out my daughter's blog "Made Anew In God's Eyes" at http://sbmaige.blogspot.com/. It is great reading from a young sista, trying to do her thing. Give her a read and be encouraged. Now onto the rest of this program.

Tonight, not to my surprise, the state that I was born and raised, the state that educated me, the state that I still love, even though I am in Texas now, decided that Amendment One was a good idea. I stress that I am not surprised that it passed. I see that a lot of my friends on Facebook are disappointed at the outcome. I also see that a lot of my clergy collegues are disappointed as well. Truthfully, I am very disappointed too. Let me state my stance on it....

Personally and Biblically, I do not approve of gay marriage. Would I marry a gay couple, my answer to that is no. So why would I have voted against Amendment One? Here is my list...1) NORTH CAROLINA ALREADY BANS GAY MARRIAGE! Why in God's name am I voting for something that is already on the books? With all of the people out of work, with the NC public school system struggling, the state is running low on money, roads suck and the Bobcats play in Charlotte, you would think that there are other issues to address than Gay Marriage. 2) The wording of this amendment will bite many in the ass. Just wait until the new flood of domestic an child abuse cases go through the NC courts and smart defensive attorneys uses the loophole provided to get some sleazebag boyfriend off on a technicality. What family has to take the expense to go to the Supreme Court to get this silly provision changed? What family has to go through the pain of having a "Janice and Jeanne Carroll" Law developed to counteract the foolishness that Amendment One has opened? (Jeanne Carroll, my wife's best friend and work mentor here in Texas and her daughter Janice were killed several years ago by Janice's estranged husband.) Domestic violence laws already suck as is....It could be argued that a battered spouse's only chance is being the one to pull the trigger. 3) There is something inherently wrong with denying someone rights. 4) Once again, my state was played by sleaze ball politicians that have accomplished nothing for my state. 5) What happened to all of the "We want smaller government?" folks? If you can govern what goes on in the bedroom, if you can govern what goes on in the church sanctuary, then your precious guns, your precious food, your precious booze and OH yeah, lets not forget, the lottery are all in play now. (I am a gun advocate myself.) This amendment should have failed upon principal alone but....

I am sorry but to my people of NC, you got snowed and played like suckas. You didn't make a stand on anything really. Oh let me get this right, you did take a stand. You took a stand for wasting time, money and denying rights. You took a stand of not solving any problems. You took a stand of accepting and condoning being made a fool. Please tell me, what was accomplished for passing Amendment One??? Just my .02 cents...

Thank you Trayvon

The Trayvon Martin case has really shaken the country to its core. Everyone is speaking out one way or another, many are showing support to Trayvon's family by breaking out their hoodies. President Obama chimed in on the case today by stating the fact that if he had a son, he would look like Trayvon. That is a point blank fact on many levels. I read an article on Politico that Newt Gingrinch called the President's comments disgraceful. My rant here is not about want Newt said, he is a set of clown shoes that I will not waste blogging space on. But my rant here is about the, how can I say this, blind comments by most of the readers there. One comment got to me and it was the first one that I read. A lady came out and said that the country is more divided since Obama has been President. Here is where I want to concentrate. (The article by the way is at http://www.politico.com/blogs/burns-haberman/2012/03/newt-calls-obamas-trayvon-martin-comments-disgraceful-118518.html)

There are many who disagree with the President's stances on policy and philosophy. But there is many who can not fathom that a man of color is the leader of the free world. The latter crew of people are being drawn out of the darkness. (Basically they are becoming more and more vocal.) For a lot of people, this would make it seem that the country is more divided. No, it is just that the infected wound of years of institutionalized hate has been re-exposed to the light. Many people in different forums and discussions are quick to use the terms like "playing the race card" and "why are we trying to live in the past"? This is a weak, cowardly and unintelligent stance for a modern society. The United States is supposed to be the standard bearer of freedom, the example of a modern civilized society, the world leader. And we can't get human respect right. We as a country can't muster the testicular fortitude to come together as the Union and truly deal with the mess of racial equality that we have been so scared to deal with. As great is our country is, we are still nothing more than mere cowards when it comes to dealing with ourselves. Who are we to be an example?

This brings me to Trayvon. This young brother was killed by an Hispanic man because he thought and assumed that Trayvon didn't belong there. This young brother supposedly had no right to be in this neighborhood, with his hoodie up walking down the street. Trayvon was killed because he seemingly didn't belong in this particular environment. He didn't look the part. I would encourage anyone who doesn't understand this to ask any African-American or Hispanic man about this. I bet 8 of of 10 can tell you of a time where they were stopped just because of how they look. I can bring up 4 times since I have been to Dallas alone and several times at home in NC. I was Trayvon at 17...I am Trayvon now...Trayvon's death needs to be the last straw, needs to be the breaking point where people, community by community, come together to work through and learn each other differences so that we have a better situation for our kids. Trayvon did not die in vain. God will make sure that justice is served, but God is sending a message for His people. Matthew 25:31-46 reads:

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. All the nations before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. "Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, take your inheritance, the Kingdom prepared for you since the creations of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink" When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?" "The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.' "Then he will say to those on his left, "Dpeart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you didn't clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you didn't look after me." "They will also answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' "He will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.' "Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

At 17, I was Trayvon. At 39, I am still Trayvon. Just my .02 cents worth....

   

The Latest Installment of All I Can Do is Shake My Head

Good evening everyone and welcome to another installment of "All I Can Do is Shake My Head." By the way, please take a read of my daughter's blog over at http://sbmaige.blogspot.com/ It is good, inspiring reading. I love you Shuggy!!!! Now on with the rant.

This blog goes out to my sisters. Ladies, lets be for real here. Why in God's name do many of you have to have some sort of fake hair on your head? At lunch today with my wife and daughter, two sisters came into the restaurant with enough weave on their head to tie up and rustle cattle with. I thought that the weave phase would die out. (I thought that about sagging pants too. I have a episode lined up about that.) I have a few questions for the ladies. 1) Is your self esteem so bad that you have to resort to looking like the shaggy dog that  won the Westminster Dog Show? 2) Why would you blow good hard earned cash on this stuff? 3) What is the purpose of it?

I think I can speak for a lot of guys. Ladies, God blesses you with a natural beauty. That beauty is not only in your outer appearance but with in your spirit, your mind and your heart. There is nothing sexier than an intelligent woman, in her natural look. Be proud and love yourself ladies. Get rid of that weave, tap into your inner beauty, put on something comfortable, love God and love you. That is true beauty and a better look. Leave the fake stuff for Halloween. Just my .02 cents....

Special Episode of All I Can Do is Shake My Head

As customary in my posts, please take a read of my daughter's blog at  http://sbmaige.blogspot.com/ A Godly woman who is sharing herself to the reading world. Please post a comment or two...The dialogue would be great. Now back to the special SMH.

I have read and watched this bill that the Republican led legislature in Virginia is working on passing in regards to abortion. They are requiring for a doctor to perform a trans-vaginal ultrasound if a woman requests an abortion. To clarify this, (especially for us guys) the concept of a trans-vaginal ultrasound involves the doctor sticking a probe inside the woman's vagina and perform the ultrasound. Ok, lets truly stop the car a minute and think about this.

Am I a fan of abortion??? No. I am not a fan of terminating a pregnancy for convenience sake. I do understand  an abortion in regards to rape, incest or the safety for the health and survival for the mother. Now that we have my stance out of the way, my rant starts.

These people are completely STUPID. The majority of the clown shoes that have placed these bill into rotation are white men. Let me pare that down further. Mostly MEN of proposed these laws. Even that doofus Santorum supports this. A little logic here....1) Who in the hell thinks that these guys know anything about a woman and her health? Really, these dudes know whats best for my wife and my daughter's health. I can imagine that a PAP Smear and those procedures really suck for a woman. But this ultrasound truly necessary to guilt a woman for having an abortion? This is crazy. But what gets me is the sheer hypocrisy of it all. These are the same jabronis that dropped a load in their shorts during the "Obamacare" debate and passage. What happened to the argument that government should stay out of the doctor's office? Or the "Government should be smaller" argument. Yet, they want to impose their will in the churches and bedrooms of our country. What these slack asses who claim to be Christian fail to understand is that God doesn't need their help. As Christians, we are supposed to bring the Good News to the people. How does this bring anyone closer to Christ? Please help me here....People are out of work, people ore hungry, people are poor, people are hurting and this is truly all you can come up with? Citizens of Virginia, get a clue and vote these clowns shoes out as soon as possible. Just my .02 cents worth....

Another Episode of All I Can Do is Shake My Head....

It has been a minute since I have applied a rant here but I decided just to be observant and marinate. I believe I am ready now. Oh by the way, please check out my daughter's blog at http://sbmaige.blogspot.com/. It is great, thought provoking reading...Drop her a comment too. Now back to our regular scheduled programming.

Please forgive me if I sound harsh but I want to comment on the death of Whitney Houston. I have to ask the question, as shocked as we may have been, was anyone surprised? This is like saying that we were stunned when Rick James passed. But what tripped me out the most is all of the out pouring of "love" after she died. Lets talk about this a moment.

I have heard the saying, "Give me my flowers while I am still alive..." Everyone knew of the trainwreck that Whitney's life had become. She even gave us access on the reality show. Where was the love then? Everyone knew that she had a drinking issue, where was the love? Everyone knew she liked crack, where was the love? Everyone knew that she had gone way outside of her upbringing, where was the love? I did not watch the funeral but I saw many response about it. You mean to tell me that one person in that church, not one person could have made a difference? The public turned their eye on the next big thing, the Lady Gaga's or Nicki Manaj's or whatever scrub, jabroni entertainer that is out. But in my heart, those closest to Whitney failed her. She was in the battle of her life in addiction and when the money train stopped, she was left alone. I know my thoughts as full of assumptions but it is how I feel. We watched Satan consume her before our very eyes and claimed it was acceptable. Lets stop with the tributes and fake love now and just let her rest in peace.

My second point is these jabroni GOP Presidential candidates. Let me add the political coverage as well. I am a political junkie but I am tired of it all. I am tired of a group of clown shoes saying anything and everything just for your vote. What makes it so bad is the sheep is buying it. What did P.T. Barnum used to say, "There is a sucker born every minute!" No one has any solutions to anything, I swear we are led by the dumbest people on God's Earth. We allow this to be acceptable as well.

When do we as a people truly get a clue and say enough is enough? Just my .02 cents....

Getting Control....

In customary form, I truly recommend my daughter's blog, Made Anew in God's Eyes at http://sbmaige.blogspot.com/. I am proud of her walk, her triumphs and her struggles. Take a read, it is good stuff. Now on to the subject at hand.

After visiting my doctor today, I am beginning to regain control of my diabetes. After several months of ignoring myself and not doing what I supposed to be doing, I am back on it and the results are very good. Now this brings me to the point of my entry. Why do I fall off the wagon so to speak?

I mean, if I go acting a fool...Eating everything I want to, not taking my medicine, not working out, what does this prove? It proves that I am a selfish bastard. Plain and simple. I am cutting my life short, cutting my time with my wife and girls short...All for short term pleasure. Just looking at it in a logical eye, it is stupid. Well, the restoration project is well underway and I have to keep plugging and grinding it out.

I have a rant that is brewing but I will save it. It could be a doozy...Just my .02 cents....

Seeing the Birth of a New Year

Before we get started, please go check out my daughter's blog, "Made Anew In God's Eyes" @ sbmaige.blogspot.com. Excellent reading from a excellent woman. Go see for yourself. On with the writing here.

Barring all of the normal cliches about the new year, it is truly a blessing that we are even here to see 2012. Amazing to say the least. The new year provides everyone hope, provides a platform for change. I am no different, I pray that my grind is different. Let me explain.

I am finding that my life is going into a transition mode and that is good. I am at a point that I can concentrate on a badly neglected project. The project is me. Not saying this in a selfish way, but I am leaning on God for the restoration of me. The work is going to be hard, I would imagine brutal in fact. Yet I look forward to the work. It is needed, overdue in fact. If God can create us out of nothing, I can truly imagine what He can do with me. 

This restoration will help me physically, spiritually, in my marriage, my relationship with my girls and the rest of my family. I am looking for renewal, restoration and improvement in 2012. God is good...Nuff said. Just my .02 cents.

All I Can Do Is Shake My Head Vol 3

Back!!!!! Caught you looking for the same thing...Ooops, went into a Chuck D mode but I am back with another installment of my blog. (By the way, please check out my daughter's blog, "Made Anew in God's Eyes" at sbmaige.blogspot.com. Good, good reading!) Anyhoo, on to my thoughts.

This blog, I am shaking my head at myself. After many false starts about getting my personal health together, many embarrassing failures on the subject and many public proclamations on it, it is truly time for me to do something. After a enlightening discussion with my wife last night, I have to take command of my health. This is the biggest battle that I have to face and I have failed miserably to this point. So what is my excuse now??? That is it, there is no excuse. It is time to do what is right and live healthier. God will bless it. I just have to execute it. So pray for a brotha to be able to do this day by day. God clean this temple and make it worthy for your service.  Just my .02 cents....

All I Can Do is Shake My Head Vol 2

Ok, it is 6:40 AM CST on a rainy Saturday morning. I am up at work and it is quiet enough for me to implement another installment of "All I Can Do is Shake My Head" (Please also go check out my wonderful daughter's blog at http://sbmaige.blogspot.com/. We thank you!!!!)

Ok, I will preface all of my thoughts with this disclaimer, I HATE SHOPPING. I have worked in retail, I know many shoppers, I even know where the local malls and shopping establishments are. But I truly hate the physical act of shopping. Personally, give me a laptop, Amazon and Craigslist, I am good. But yesterday's Black Friday festivities was completely off the chain. I read on MSNBC of at least 8 violent acts at Walmarts alone yesterday. Really folks, we supposed to live in a civilized society and we are throwing down at the Walmart over an Xbox controller. I thought the economy was bad and we are in a recession, but we are camping out in front of the Best Buy on Tuesday evening to get the prime spot for Friday. Workers are cutting more hours short on their holiday to put up with a herd of spoiled brat, actually broke, trifling, sorry customers who are really thinking they are getting a deal.  It is amazing to see people beat each other down for a supposed bargain. Really, all of this for Christmas??? Good God we have gotten this twisted.

Where in the birth story of Christ was a Battle Royale Cage Match at Walmart included? When Joseph and Mary tried to pick up diapers for Jesus, did they get pepper sprayed when they drove up to the Walmart late that birth day evening? Man we have totally jacked up the Christmas season. Don't you just love it how we have made Jesus one of the biggest money making ventures on the planet? It is sad really.It is a season of giving all right, giving all your money to the man. Just my .02 cents worth and shaking my head.

Truly Better Than This.....

Finally, I am back here...Finally, a little peace and quiet. Finally, a chance to write. Just some thoughts.

As I have been working and being a taxi, the Lord has been working on me with something. He is drilling to me that I am truly better than my current state. I AM TRULY BETTER THAN THIS! This was a piece of information that I thought I had already knew, but what I am finding out, I didn't know as much as I thought. I have accepted mediocrity in all aspects of my life. I have accepted the path of least resistance. I have accepted complacency. I have accepted the garbage that has been told to me that my drive to be better is "obsessive." I have accepted who I am not....A fat, lazy slob.

I am more than a glorified taxi cab.

I am more than a wallet.

I am more that a food disposer.

I am more than a being that takes up space.

I am more than a corporate worker.

I am more than a I.T. Support guy.

I am more than a jack of all trades, master of none.

I am more than a DJ.

I am more that this....

In the journey of God's destiny for me, I have to accept the fact that I am more than the human expectation. I have to work to meet GOD's expectations for me. This doesn't give me the license to act and think like I am better than someone else. But this does give me the license and power to go after that destiny God has for me; with the vigor and fervor that the Holy Spirit will provide. Letting go is a great thing as long as you let go of those things that are truly needed to be removed. I have deleted critical files from my system, which in turn has crippled me. The Lord has been slowly bring me full circle. I thank Him for it too. It is truly time for my beast mode to be activated in all aspects of my life. I am a aggressive person by nature. Somewhere, I let that go....When I did, I hampered me. I changed the way God wired me. I mess with systems that didn't need messing with. In turn, it takes so long to fix it...I thank God that He is making the repairs. I need to stick with computers.

Views from a Hospital Bed

It is truly amazing how fortunes can change in a matter of hours. On this past Wednesday, I went to our Prime Time Bible Study at the church, went to lunch with my lovely wife and went home to catch a nap before I had to go into work later on that evening. I left the house to go meet my wife for dinner before work, I began to feel really bad. Chest hurting, sweating, sick to my stomach, pain radiating everywhere. We get to the restaurant, I look like a hot mess and my wife makes a play call to take me to the hospital. That was Wednesday night. It is now Saturday afternoon and I am still here in the hospital.

During the past few days, the good folks here have tested my heart and cardiovascular system. I have even performed stress testing which shows how healthy my heart is under stressful conditions. To God be the glory, my heart is in great shape and as in the words of the cardiologist, "You have no reason to be the size you are. When you get out, don't keep working at it, WORK HARDER!!!" So why am I still here??? The doctors have kept me here because of the fact that my CK levels in my blood stream are about 40 times higher than normal. The program now is to flush my system out until those levels go down. This has been a slow proposition due to the fact that I was a tired, dehydrated mess when I stepped foot in here.

This experience has been a difficult one because in my short 38 years, I have never spent anytime in a hospital. Sure, I have been in the ER plenty for various injuries, but never a stay. This has been nerve racking and tiring to say the least. My spirit has not been the best, I have been pretty grumpy and I will state that I have been an emotional wreck and roller coaster. In the midst of all that, the spiritual battle has decided to happen in my proverbial front yard. I have said some things that I have shouldn't have said. I have had thoughts that I should not have had. I have had bitterness where bitter had no place...All to see that none, I mean none of those things that were presented to me, most that I had suckerly accepted were true. Job went through this same thing while he was being tested. His complaints in the midst of his trials were also false. God forbid, Job had it rougher than I currently do.

Yet in the midst of all this, it is just like the Lord to absolutely stop and park my behind to really deal with me. It is a shame and a scandal that He has to do me like this to get in a word in edge wise. I know I have to get my quiet time back with Him. God truly has a lot to say to us and He wants to talk too. I guess we run like we do, sometimes to try to avoid the conversation all together. Anyhoo, even though I was disappointed this morning when the doctor told me that I will not be going home today, I thank God for this quiet time that I am having with Him now. This is the most peaceful I have been in months. Possibly years.

Before I be quiet, I must say this. I thank God for my wife, Caretha. She has been by my side through all of this. (She is by my side through everything.) I have said somethings to her that were not only stupid...Lets just say really stupid. I know we have already gone through it and I apologized but I want to apologize in written form. Sweetness, I love you and I am sorry for being the rear end of a donkey. Please forgive me. I also want to thank my daughters, Shacora and Kelsey, for loving me and sticking by me. My love also goes out to my family (Mom, Dad, Judy, Teresa) extended family, church family and friends. Ok, enough with the Grammy speech...I just had to give my shout outs. I will be outta here soon Lord's willing; better than ever.

One love....

All I Can Do is Shake My Head....

You know, I have kept this blog stewing for over a year and my oldest daughter, Shacora, is begging me to become more regular on blogging here so I am going to hold my word and do that. (Oh by the way, please check out Shacora's blog @ http://sbmaige.blogspot.com/ She has a wonderful insight, one that will inspire you as well. I am so proud of her and I love her very much. Now back to the program.) I have had a lot of thoughts going through my head and heart, it has left me really scatterbrained as such. I will try to systematically go through them with different posts. And if I seem scatterbrained then ok...

This Sunday I am going to concentrate on my brothers a bit. How in God's name can anyone take us seriously when we look like we have been stuck in time. We look, act and talk like we are in the 1990's. Our country has elected a black man as President and here we are looking like a crew from the Clinton era. I will admit that I am has hood as they come but there is a time where we have to see things from the eyes of a man. I have been blessed to have grown up in the shadow of good, hard working, family loving, God fearing men. These brothers enjoyed the fellowship of other brothers but not at the expense of their households. Making sure that their house was protected, wives were cherished, kids were raised right, house in order and first and foremost, being led by God, was the mission for these men. They might not have been perfect, but they gave it their best. Truly, are we (my generation and younger) giving it our best? We have fools running around thinking and trying to be thugs, fools running around thinking and trying to be women, fools running around confused, fools running around forgetting that they are husbands, it is amazing and a tribute to God's grace on us that we are still here. My God we can do better, be better and ordained to be better than what we are. We are playing ourselves to be fools, clowns, comedy acts, bottom line, jabronis. I am tired of watching our sisters suffer through the foolish actions of us men. We are so much better that what we are and it is time to bring up our game. Enough fussing, just my .02 cents though.

I Am Really Sick and Tired of How Our Country is Operating

It has been awhile since I have placed a rant here on Facebook.  I have been in sponge mode for the past few months and the political rhetoric and the lack of action in Washington has left mentally and spiritually tired.  My emotions have run the gambit and I would say that it is probably not wise for me to even write due to the fact that I may come off in a jumbled diatribe.  I will start with the straw that broke my back, the Tom Tancredo statements at the Tea Party Convention.

This joker made a case for 'literacy tests' for voters of 'foreign' descent; 'literacy tests' for those who can't speak english.  I shouldn't be surprised but in laymens terms, this guy is arguing to re-establishment of Jim Crow and voting rules pre-Civil Rights Bill of 1964.  Is this the country that the Tea Party claims that they want back???  What is conservative about this???  How does 'literacy tests' keep our taxes and the deficit down???  All the blood that was spilled by people of color and women, just for the fair chance to vote and here comes this clown arguing the re-establishment of 'literacy tests'?  Our citizens SHOULD know this history and yet they sit there and cheer and clap in approval.  Oh, lets bring back lynching and separate but equal while we at it...This is the country that so many people want back.  That is THEIR AMERICA....Nice.

Then there is our government not getting anything done.  One of my fears in the election of President Obama was that he would not get anyone to work with him on any issue.  Really, his own party has helped he become a first term, lame-duck President.  The Democrats are such punks, they won't exercise any leadership at all.  Get something done!!!!  At this rate, I do feel like my vote was wasted, these are the things that I will remember when I go back to the voting booth.  Also, at this point, I don't want to hear what the Republicans have to say because everything they say is for political expediency. It is all about scoring points instead of coming up with solutions with our country's issues.  This goes into my main point of this...

I am really done with the way our politics are going.  Our country is steeped with some many issues; issues that should be worked through by the best and brightest.  I do believe that difference of opinion and variety is good, God love variety as well; look at creation itself.  Both parties are doing the political boxing match, just throwing insults and jabs back and forth, while the working men and women of this country are getting reamed for every dollar they have.  The news channels just keep showing the day to day barbs and we are at or over 10% unemployment. (Even higher for communities of color)  Healthcare costs are skyrocketing, companies are pocketing money instead of hiring, the IRS still wants their cut, a college education is becoming more out of reach for average folks, people are hungry and all our elected leaders can do is go to conferences (pep rallys) throw barbs or just quit the fight all together.  We don't have the best and the brightest in office right now.  Both parties are loaded down with rich idiots, and it is showing.  The change of our country is going to have to come from the grassroots.  Not through political parties, but through people caring about others, like God loves and cares about us.  Maybe I have been a fool, but Caesar and his cronies can have it...(I think political TV and radio coverage will go on my Lent list.)

Battle Update-03 February 2010

Well folks, I had another weigh in on yesterday and for this week I have not lost any weight.  I am still at 413, no worries though.  I am weighing in every week at my doctor's office. (Dr. Callie Hollenshead-Methodist Health Systems in downtown Dallas.) Her nurse, Elvia, has been tracking my weight in my file and this has caught the eye of Dr. Hollenshead and she wanted to know what I was doing.  I told her my lifestyle adjustments and she was extremely encouraging.  Dr. Hollenshead said that this is the way weight loss should be done and that still at my current weight, 12 lbs a month is aggressive, but yet feasible.  She was very excited that I have taken on this, plus getting my blood sugar A1C numbers under control.  With the early success, there is more work to do.

Highlights:
1)  My dumbbell method seems to be working well.  It keeps me from having to rely on a spotter and I am able to do multiple movements without spreading myself all over the gym.
2) I am having fun working out with the 5AM crew of folks.  These older brothers and sisters are keeping me in check.
3) I am really being encouraged by Caretha's cardio workout.  That thing is sick and I will admit I am scared of it.  She is a beast!!!!
4) Speaking of cardio, I am running sprints in the gym.  Ugly, slow sprints but sprints nonetheless.

Improvements:
1) Not to let this cold derail me.  Every time I have started a workout program, I get sick. Cold, flu, monkey pox, something comes up.  I will drive through this.
2) More intensity in the gym.
3) Stay true to 2500 calories and NO EATING AFTER 8:30PM.
4) STAY IN PRAYER!!!!

Much love and prayers to everyone.

Battle Update-26 January 2010

Once again everyone, I have to ask for forgiveness for not being timely on my updates.  I admit, I have been trifling.  Please forgive me y'all!!

Thank God that I am seeing progress.  I stepped on the scale today at the doctor's office and 414 lbs. was recorded!!!!  We are -13 lbs already and I have made my monthly goal already!!!!!  God is truly good.

Observations:

The Good: 1) I am doing well with portion size and time of eating. 
                2) I am being very consistent with my water intake.
                3) I have kept the junk to a minimum.
                4) I am starting to get into a groove with my workouts.  More on that in a minute.

Need to Keep Working On: 1) My workouts and bringing more intensity to the table.  My workouts have been really cool as of late and I thank      God for bring in the 5AM crew at the gym in my life.  This group of folk, which I am the youngest of the bunch, really push and encourage me as I workout.  It is really cool.  I have started to play basketball with these guys and I have found my shooting stroke.  Now I have to find my stamina.  I am going to take the advice of one of the group members and concentrate my running to basketball.  (I do want to play pick up again.)  Now I just have to keep bringing it.  Also, I am adding more movements in my weight work.

2) Continue to watch what I eat, but I need to EAT as well.  I am finding that being on this journey as a diabetic is not easy because my body is expecting something that it has been getting for so long and now it is not.  I guess I am a food junkie that is going through withdrawals. Thing of it is, it sometimes throw my body in a tailspin.  So I have to concentrate on keeping nutrients in me; whether it is fruit, a salad, something.  Right now, eating is not my life, I am eating to live.

3) Keep check on calories.  Stay true to my 2500 calorie a day limit.

4) Keep water intake up.  I had a diet coke on Sunday and it was horrible.  I may never go back to sodas.  I think I am done.

Well, that is enough from me.  Please keep praying for me and I will improve on my updates.  Much love to everyone.

Battle Update and Other Thoughts-15 Jan 2010

Please forgive me in the frequency of my postings.  I will work harder on getting the Battle Update out everyday. 

It has been a few days since I have made (in my eyes) some pretty drastic adjustments in my dietary lifestyle.  What I have done is this:
1) Eliminate ALL sodas. Diet included.
2) Drinking 96oz of water a day (need more)
3) Eliminate eating heavy meals after 8PM. (I eat fruit or drink water for snacks)
4) Up fiber content by a factor of 2. (This has had dramatic consequences to say the least.)
I will say that these adjustments alone, I have been feeling a bit different.  I don't feel as lethargic in the mornings.  Hmmm, I am wondering if my late night eating was covering some things up.  As I relearn my body in this new mode, I will put my observations here.

So far, I really need to improve on:
1) More intensity in the gym
2) Further improvement on my eating. (spreading calories through the day)

I got to keep working.  Please keep praying for me.

Now on my other thoughts.  The situation in Haiti is one of truly dire proportions.  The recovery effort will be and now is an effort that our country will own.  It is very important that the US is fully engaged in Haiti because:
1) This country didn't have but especially now has NO GOVERNMENT.  The prime minister of Haiti is out on the street just like everyone else there.  The ruling government in Haiti has always have been corrupt and tack on the centuries of poverty and neglect, now we have a humanitarian crisis of Biblical size.  This point goes into:
2) Who fills the void???  I am no fan of regime change, but this earthquake may have done it for the Haitian government.  Some where in the process, there will be civil unrest.  Chance are, when the people begin to get their feet underneath them, they will take the advantage of forcing changes in Haiti.  Who do we want to fill the VOID??? Al Queda??? Castro??? Chavez???  Which brings me to:
3) Haiti is an 90 minute flight from Miami.  Nuff said here.

I will comment on Rush and Pat Robertson later...Time for a nap...